All Hail The King

Super Pooper! The King of Ca-Ca. The Prince of Poopy. The Duke of Dookie. The Earl of Upchuck.

The trashlet has arrived. He is, of course, the cutest baby ever, with the possible exception of Oscar, who was damn cute too but very different from Little Lord Trashleroy. I adore him, of course, and am adjusting to life with two little trashlets instead of just one.

However.

I had forgotten about a few things.

1. Stealth peeing. This child is a sharpshooter. As soon as I get the diaper off I have to cover for my own protection, as I've already had a few impressions of Old Faithful as he lay there guilelessly cooing at me. He particularly likes to do it when I am changing him on a not-easily-cleaned surface (couch, comforter, my bed).

2. Baby poop. Like Grey Poupon, only stinky. Grainy, yellow, and everywhere. He is gifted at getting his foot in the poop and then spreading the poop via foot to his clothes.

3. Lochia. The period that makes up for all the periods you missed while pregnant. It doesn't seem fair, somehow, to have to make it all up. Eff you, Mother Nature. Way to do a solid for your girls...NOT.

4. Cankles AFTERWARD. Dude, my feet were so huge afterward that they wouldn't bend. They don't tell you about this shit on those happy new mother websites. And clearly Effing Mother Nature wiped my brain clean because I totally don't remember this from last time.

5. Giant cartoon character breasts. Mine were big anyway. Now, when it's feeding time, they inflate into Dolly Parton-like proportions. It's almost obscene.

6. Sleep deprivation makes people insane. Insane. Insane.


Also, my older child is living a Talking Heads song. Cannot keep his hands off Little Brother and wants to wake him up ALL THE TIME. I keep telling him BABY IS FRAGILE DO NOT BREAK THE BABY.

Argh. Stay tuned.