Proof that I use the microwave too much

So, you know I serve Oscar chicken nuggets a couple of times a week. I KNOW, but I do.

I make them in the microwave, because, EASY. He likes them, they are shaped like dinosaurs, whatever.

So, yesterday, Oscar finds me to give me some news. "Mommy! Da kitty is on your food maker!"

"What?"

"Da KITTY is on da FOOD MAKER!"

"Food maker? wtf?" I am imagining the cat in the crock pot, or something.

I go into the kitchen to investigate. The cat is perched atop the microwave.

"Honey, that's a microwave."

"NO, Mommy, it's a food maker. It makes the nuggets hot!"

I guess I can't argue with that. But he doesn't call the stove, or the oven, food makers.....

Sigh.

All Hail the Semi-Ho, or, My Foray Into Killer Kakes

Dear Diary, I want to be just like Sandra Lee, only not so drunk, and with less saggy breasts...

A couple of years ago, at one of the internet communities I belong to, we had a Semi Homemade Bake-off. And when I say Bake-Off, I mean doing a Sandra Lee - buying an angel food cake and fucking it all up. The only requirement was a store-bought angel food cake. The rest was up to us.

So, here was my entry - a Mexican Fiesta Cake, Sandra Lee-style.


Here is the unsuspecting plain store-bought angel food cake.





Here is the list of ingredients. Doesn't look too bad, does it? WELL, IT'S A CAKE, PEOPLE. Look carefully.



First, I got some Cool Whip and added some green food coloring to make it look more like guacamole.



Then I added some Tabasco.



Then I sliced the cake in half and frosted between the layers...



and then topped it with beans...



and ramen noodles (I know, it's not very mexican, but it was mexican-flavored ramen noodles!)



and the seasoning packet from the ramen noodles, which Sandra Lee would totally approve.



After placing the other half of the cake on top, I filled the hole with more beans.



Then I added some pre-made frozen guacamole. Don't worry, I didn't waste good guac. This was freezer-burned as all hell.



Then I continued frosting with the terrible Tabasco Cool Whip.



I topped it with some extra guacamole and beans, which looked like a shitpile in a swamp. Then some more crunchy ramen bits. Yummo!



Then some green sanding sugar...



And some Red Hots....



Fresh diced Roma tomatoes....



What the hell, some more Red Hots...



At this point, the cat was like "What the fuck, human? I'm gonna go lick myself in the other room."



I then pressed some ramen noodles into the sides of the cake for visual and textural interest. Who am I kidding? I had them, I used them.



A little more Tabasco...



Now, to go with it, a cocktail, in this festive glass from a set I was given for Christmas a few years ago and thought, when the fuck will I ever use these? In time-honored Sandra Lee tradition, I start with half a glass of vodka.



Add some Tabasco...



and some of the ramen seasoning packet...




Pardon me a moment while I retch. And add ice cubes.



Garnish with some Roma tomato...




and Red Hots...




and some wonk-ass peppers....



And, of course, a couple of kooky straws!



Since it would not be a Sandra Lee challenge without a tablescape, I grabbed a Mexican blanket for the table. I added some assorted gourds and peppers, and then garnished it all with Tums.



Here's a close-up.



I hope you enjoyed this wonderful cake. In all honesty I have to say that I was thisclose to taking it in to work and leaving it in the break room with a sign saying ENJOY! but I was on thin ice already and the cake would merely have speeded my eventual departure.



Anyway, please remember to keep it smart, keep it sweet, keep it stereotypical, and always keep it semi-homemade! Buh-bye!

Best. License. Plate. Ever.

The only way this could be better would be if the car was orange, or Britney Spears was driving it with a kid in her lap, ciggie in one hand and Starbucks in the other. GET OUT THE WAY Y'ALL!!!!!!!