Fictional TV Characters I'd Like to Smack the Shit Out Of

1. Dragon F'in Tales.

Between the annoying voices, the political correctness (a dragon in a wheelchair, which I don't get - if you have all this magic around, why doesn't someone throw it at the disabled, oops, I mean DIFFERENTLY ABLED dragon?, all the Spanish-speaking dragons, etc), the moralistic tone and the mediocre-at-best animation, this show just grates and grates and grates. It wants to be Dora the Explorer SO BAD, yo. Plus, the neighbor Enrique has to be the most ridiculous character in the whole show, and that's saying something when you are comparing him to a bunch of dragons, one of which has two heads. "Hm, Max and Emmy aren't Hispanic enough, and the Spanish-speaking dragons aren't doing it for me, either. Let's introduce a new, more Latino character who will only say 'Si, si!' and 'Bueno!'" I wish some Narnia characters would wander in and kick all of their asses.




2. Max and F'in Ruby. Where do I start? They have no parents. They live alone in a house, but Grandma will venture over every once in a while for tea, and then she gets the hell out of Dodge. This could be fun, except for the fact that Ruby is an enormous killjoy. None of the other adults in the town seem to care that Ruby and Max live alone. Perhaps their parents ended up as a coat or a meal for some humans. Max is capable of only one word at a time, like some creepy film noir character gone wrong. On the other hand, Ruby never shuts up -she's a fountain of pontification. Who died and made you boss, Ruby? Oh yeah, that's right, your parents.




3. F'in Caillou. First of all, the voice. Whiny. So, he's four, that's ok, right? NO. I also hate when it's clearly an adult woman's voice pretending to be a male child's voice. Plus, his parents look exactly the same. It's totally cool if Caillou has two mommies. Or maybe it's the old adage about married people starting to look like each other, but this is ridiculous. The coolest person on the show is Grandma, who is an artist who feeds birds out of her hat, bakes, paints, and makes pottery..and can GO HOME AND NOT LISTEN TO CAILLOU AFTERWARDS. The only slightly redeeming quality might be that Caillou gets to ride a Zamboni in one episode, but the driver didn't even have a mullet. And this is supposed to be Canada, people! I haven't seen a single Tim Horton's, or a mullet.



4. THIS TOOL. And yes, I consider him fictional. Because he's clearly in fantasyland.

Yum nummers

Normally, Oscar eats typical toddlerchow - nuggets, fish sticks, hot dogs, turkey burgers, pasta. He won't eat a vegetable that isn't a potato, though he will condescend to gnaw a baby carrot every once in a while, and I did get him to eat brussels sprouts by napping them in lots of cheesy saucy goodness. Like his mother, he'll eat anything if it's covered in cheese.

The problem is, he usually won't eat meat. That is, actual meat. If he is given a piece of chicken he will chew and chew and chew and eventually spit it out. Since he evidently considers the entire world to be his napkin, he just spits the food out wherever it's most convenient - the table, my hand, the floor, his plate.

(This reminds me that when I was a kid, I used to like Oscar Mayer bologna, but only the edges of the slice and one bite out of the middle. My great-aunt used to buy it for me when I was at her house. I'd eat the edges and bite a hole in the middle and I'd hide the rest under the divan in her living room. Her cleaning lady, Stella, would find it days later. I found out later that my dad used to hide the fat from his bacon in her bookcase when he was a kid, so I clearly come by this genetically. But I digress.)

This is further complicated by the fact that Oscar would prefer to eat at the coffee table in front of the TV, and we do eat there, way too often. So he spills lots of food. I've resorted to a drop cloth under his chair, which is also great for catching random potty-training accidents.

He does like some odd things - guacamole, salsa-flavored Sun Chips, dried mangoes (hmmm. is there a Mexican theme here?). He has eaten Indian food on several occasions. He will sometimes eat rotisserie chicken. On the other hand, he only mildly likes mac and cheese and much prefers fettucine alfredo (I know. Same thing. He's convinced it's not.) But if left to his own devices, he'd eat cheddar goldfish, SpongeBob SquarePants shaped Cheez-its (yes, they make them), popcorn, Pirate's Booty, and chocolate milk for every meal.

I think I'll invent some universal toddlerchow that tastes like mac and cheese and nuggets and hot dogs, that can be consumed from a bowl in front of the TV and doesn't stain the carpet when dropped. How's that sound? Like every mother's dream?

Training Pants

Oscar is potty-training. This is serious business. He is not at all interested in this. He's of the "poop now, tell Mom later" school of thought.

I bought some adorable, tiny briefs emblazoned with various cartoon characters for him to wear, and he likes them. But why would he want to piss all over Diego and poop on Lightning McQueen?

Though he did pee all over his Lightning McQueen chair, it was an accident.

But, really, why do they put beloved characters all over diapers and underpants? Are the kids supposed to be trying to keep Brobee safe from poop, and therefore run to the potty to spare him? (Actually, that's not a bad idea. "Don't poop on Brobee, honey! You'll make him cry, and then he'll stink, and then Muno won't play with him, and Toodee will make fun of him, and then they'll sing about it!")







UPDATE....

Oscar took a huge dump all over Brobee. And when I told him that Brobee doesn't like poop, he shrugged.

He is So Over Brobee and his poop issues.

Duggarlicious "J" names

I'm still thinking about the new Duggar baby on the way. Since I am sure they are waiting with bated breath to see what I think, here are my top J name choices:

BOY

Jor-El
Jehosephat
Jamal
Jagermeister
Jagger
Jean-Baptiste
Jethro
Jonty
Julius

GIRL

Juniper
Jubilee
Jezebel
Jinks
Jaguar
Jemima Puddleduck
Jim-Bobbie
Jambalaya


EITHER SEX

J'enough-Already
Jello
Jumbo
Jackalope
Jalapeno


So many purty names to choose from. I hope the kids get to pick again. I can see Jackson totally rooting for Jalapeno.

Yummy treats!

A friend of mine posted a photo of this litterbox cake she found online. A thing of beauty, isn't it? So realistic! Crumbled oreo litter, brownie poop and some blue sprinkles for more realistic horror. I kind of love this. Wonder if Oscar'd like it for his birthday...no, too cruel.

But it's still way cooler than its prissy, old-auntie equivalent:




I mean, it's too pretty! Why make a dirt cake if it's just going to sit there and look pretty? Isn't the whole point to get people to say EEEEW?

This one is marginally better, but again, too clean and pretty.





I still think the litterbox cake wins, hands down. Trashy? Check. Chocolatey? Check. Horrifying? Check.

Let me know if I can make one for you.

Trashy versus Crunchy

In a war between trashy and crunchy, who would win?
(and thanks for helping me get this chart posted, Pat. HTML table FAIL. I suck at this.)

Like my new dots?

Thanks, Pat, for creating my nice new template! Looks fabulous, doesn't it, kids? I particularly like the Cheeto-orange dot at the top. Makes me want to run right out and eat some processed imitation cheese food!

Duggarlicious

Am I a bad, trashy person if I admit that despite their fundie, female-inferior, educationless, Goodwilly, super-crowded clown-car lifestyle, that I kind of love the Duggars?

And Michelle Duggar is having another one. I suspect it's so she can keep her daughter-in-law in her place. "I'm the Alpha Uterus around here, babe! And don't you forget it!"

But seriously? Tater tot casserole! Ice cream sandwich cake! Dixie Stampede, which is like Medieval Times for Southerners! That giant fucking tour bus! Modest bathing suits! What's not to love?




And Michelle's hair is pretty bad, but it's nothing compared to Kate Gosselin's!




I just love them. Maybe if I get a bad hairstyle and have about ten more kids, I can get me a teevee show too, y'all!