Trashiest dinner in weeks!

After weeks of trying to cook real food, some of it even ethnic, I have returned to my comfort zone.

Dinner was dinosaur chicken nuggets with wing sauce and blue cheese dressing. Half-Assic Park!

Oscar had grilled cheese. Smart kid.

On Mothers' Day

Oscar has taught himself to burp at will.



I'm so proud!



Other than that, he's been a naughty imp all day, and just informed me that he doesn't love me anymore because he was told to stop jumping on the couch.



Happy Mother's Day to all, and here's wishing you clean floors, dinner dishes done by someone else, wine, and all the tabloid magazines you want.

The Daycare Strangler!

There is a little shit classmate in Oscar's daycare who has decided it's good fun to choke his friends. We'll call him Chokey Chokington. Oscar was the first victim, but there have been three attempted chokings by this deranged little weasel clearly ill-behaved little scamp. His parents are much trashier than I am as they seem not to give a shit about it. This is not typical boy-stuff or provoked - this is sneak-up-and-throttle. Which I don't dig.


So, I offer my top 10 defense products for toddlers against little shitheels in training random preschooler acts of violence.

1. Pepper Spray for Toddlers.

Can't you imagine the cunning little Diego or Dora pepper spray? Rescue Pack, turn into a mist of eye-burning pepper vapor so Diego can escape the evil Chokey! Chokey, no choking!

2. My First Bodyguard.

Surely there is a kindergarten thug who'd like to earn some Bakugans or candy. Recruit a large child from the after-care program to act as hired muscle.

3. Light Saber.

I know a toy light saber doesn't really work, but it makes a good weapon. Thwack!

4. Airhorn.

Judiciously applied, this could rattle the perp so much that it may actually make his choking hands go right for his own ears, to choke out the noise.

5. Electric Fence.

Give each child their own Electric Fence barrier and put the collar on Ol' Chokey. If he gets too close, zzzzzap!

6. Boxing Gloves.

Chokey may choose to whack his victims instead, but he won't be able to close his grip!

7. Red Berets.

Who wouldn't want this beat? NO, CHOKINGTON, DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

8. Someone dressed as Batman/Spiderman/Buzz Lightyear.

Apparently a man in a costume makes quite an impression on the younguns. "No toys for you if you aren't nice!"

9. Zombies and Vampires.

Being pursued by the undead will leave him little time to threaten others!

10. Last but not least... VEGETABLES

Don't allow him to get up from the lunch table until he has consumed his brussels sprouts, broccoli and lima beans. He'll be there till he's 16.


Why no, I'm not a licensed child psychologist! Why do you ask?