Did you see on the news that Paula Deen was attacked by a ham yesterday? I mean, really. Nobody is safe.
Of course, the best Halloween costume I saw online this year was someone dressed as Paula Deen, snorting a line of sugar off of a stick of butter. Now THAT is a trashy mama. But I bet she has a helluva Thanksgiving dinner, with pounds of butter and all starches.
And don't get me started on Sandra Lee's Thanksgivings. Though I do admire a lady who can hold her booze like ol' Sandee.
So, in my house, I don't have to cook a meal, just pies and sides to bring to my mom's (you know, my mom, bastion of cleanliness). So, in my humble opinion, here are the top trashy Thanksgiving foods, some of which are featured at my house, some of which are merely dishes to which I aspire in the future.
TOP 10 TRASHY THANKSGIVING FOODS (with bonus Trash Factor ratings!)
1. Green bean casserole. It doesn't get much trashier than this. Canned cream of chicken or celery soup! Canned fried onions! The green beans are just bulk. All it needs to make it ultimately trashy is serve it to diners on the porch sofa. TRASH FACTOR: 8/10
2. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows. Extra points for using fluff instead of mini marshmallows. I mean, it's practically dessert. If your idea of dessert is marshmallow-covered crap. I know Sandra Lee and Paula Deen would battle to the death to get a bite of some of this. TRASH FACTOR: 9/10
3. Canned creamed corn. My mother makes this every year and at least 50% of the time, forgets it in the microwave. Which is ok as nobody misses it. Glutinous, glistening and gummy, this yellow evil on a plate is the stuff that haunts my memories of childhood holidays. TRASH FACTOR: 8/10
4. Cranberry sauce from the can: It must be served in one can-shaped blob to really wow the crowd. The quivering cylinder can then be sliced into discs that defy any spoon, slithering to the tablecloth and sheepishly being transferred to a plate via fingers of the diner. My mom has a special dish she uses for this canned sauce. Truly a Thanksgiving staple. TRASH FACTOR: 9/10
5. Jello salad (also called congealed salad by Southerners and church ladies). If nuts, cut-up cream cheese, or fruit are embedded in Jello, that is just plain wrong. Foisting these monstrositites on others for a holiday meal is damn near unconscionable. There are enough quivering, creepily-colored, nutritionally-devoid items on the table already! Now, I admit my aunt used to make a jello/cranberry, orange relish that was delicious but that was different - it was not served in slabs, didn't wiggle, and was served in a bowl, not a plate. That kind is a-ok with me. The other kind? Ewwww. TRASH FACTOR: 10/10
6. Pie. If pie is not served, or there is not enough pie? No jury would convict. And for those who feel that a cherry or lemon meringue pie from the store is just as good as apple or pumpkin? You're a commie. TRASHY FACTOR: 10/10.
7. Booze. If you drink enough, you won't have to worry about how shitty the food is. TRASHY FACTOR: 9/10 (10/10 if you get drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon or Mad Dog 20-20).
8. Crescent rolls. Must be from the tube, whomped on the side of the counter, overbaked on the bottom and used to mop up gravy. Homemade biscuits are way too classy. TRASH FACTOR: 8/10
9. No green vegetable: Green bean casserole doesn't count. Truly trashy folks will not sully their holiday table with that there health food. Broccoli? Asparagus? WHY?
TRASH FACTOR: 9/10
10. Stove Top Stuffing! Need I say more? And may I also admit I freaking love the stuff? TRASH FACTOR: 7/10
