What to Expect when You're Expanding

Ok, so you know all those glowing pregnant women you see in commercials and in ads, with blemishless skin and a rounded tummy that is all tanned and smooth, drinking water and eating salad and walking briskly in the park, seemingly without effort of any kind?

Yeah, right. Fuck those bitches.

They don't seem to puke, or develop weird skin tags in inconvenient places, or get stretch marks.

I am not one of these women.

When I was pregnant with Oscar, my stomach was a giant planet with its own satellites, atmosphere and tides. Seriously, it practically affected gravity around me. The surface of this planet was riddled with rivers and streams of purple which contrasted nicely against the planet's white, white soil. It was humongous, so huge that it burst the restraining walls of my abdomen, leaving an unsightly bulge behind even when the pregnancy was complete.

And skin tags blossomed like so many fleshy mushrooms.

And I developed a huge chin-pimple that stayed around for most of the twenty thousand months I was pregnant.

And I couldn't eat meat or eggs or even look at them without throwing up.

I ate mostly peanut butter sandwiches, grilled cheese, Frostys, and pizza.

This time around? The same. More and more of the same. Except now it's pizza, Pringles and chocolate covered dried cherries.

At least it's not Cheetos. Stay tuned for skin tag counts and stretch mark updates. My stomach already resembles an atlas.