Fictional TV Characters I'd Like to Smack the Shit Out Of

1. Dragon F'in Tales.

Between the annoying voices, the political correctness (a dragon in a wheelchair, which I don't get - if you have all this magic around, why doesn't someone throw it at the disabled, oops, I mean DIFFERENTLY ABLED dragon?, all the Spanish-speaking dragons, etc), the moralistic tone and the mediocre-at-best animation, this show just grates and grates and grates. It wants to be Dora the Explorer SO BAD, yo. Plus, the neighbor Enrique has to be the most ridiculous character in the whole show, and that's saying something when you are comparing him to a bunch of dragons, one of which has two heads. "Hm, Max and Emmy aren't Hispanic enough, and the Spanish-speaking dragons aren't doing it for me, either. Let's introduce a new, more Latino character who will only say 'Si, si!' and 'Bueno!'" I wish some Narnia characters would wander in and kick all of their asses.




2. Max and F'in Ruby. Where do I start? They have no parents. They live alone in a house, but Grandma will venture over every once in a while for tea, and then she gets the hell out of Dodge. This could be fun, except for the fact that Ruby is an enormous killjoy. None of the other adults in the town seem to care that Ruby and Max live alone. Perhaps their parents ended up as a coat or a meal for some humans. Max is capable of only one word at a time, like some creepy film noir character gone wrong. On the other hand, Ruby never shuts up -she's a fountain of pontification. Who died and made you boss, Ruby? Oh yeah, that's right, your parents.




3. F'in Caillou. First of all, the voice. Whiny. So, he's four, that's ok, right? NO. I also hate when it's clearly an adult woman's voice pretending to be a male child's voice. Plus, his parents look exactly the same. It's totally cool if Caillou has two mommies. Or maybe it's the old adage about married people starting to look like each other, but this is ridiculous. The coolest person on the show is Grandma, who is an artist who feeds birds out of her hat, bakes, paints, and makes pottery..and can GO HOME AND NOT LISTEN TO CAILLOU AFTERWARDS. The only slightly redeeming quality might be that Caillou gets to ride a Zamboni in one episode, but the driver didn't even have a mullet. And this is supposed to be Canada, people! I haven't seen a single Tim Horton's, or a mullet.



4. THIS TOOL. And yes, I consider him fictional. Because he's clearly in fantasyland.