The beach is a bitch but the movie is worse

Oh, man, the HEAT.

I know, total first world problem, but we were on our family vacation at the beach last week and damn, it was hot and humid. Like, 100 degrees and 80 percent humidity.

Even the so-called beach breezes were nonexistent.

So, in order to get out of the heat, we went to the movies to see Toy Story 3.

First of all, this is a ramshackle old theatre at the shore. No big deal. But as I am standing in line to buy the tickets, I hear the ticket seller tell the woman in front of me that they had "sound problems" at the earlier showing. Apparently they felt the need to tell her this, but that they were "sure" the problems would be resolved and they were moving the movie to another screen.

They told me the same. Whatever, I bought tickets anyway. It was fucking HOT outside. Sound problems are better than 100 degrees and 80 percent humidity.

We waited inside with eleventybillion other frazzled, overheated, crabby parents while they "move" the movie. Then they announced that they didn't move it, but the sound should be a-ok! We were seated and started munching.

Meanwhile, there were loud construction sounds emanating from above. A woman in the audience started to loudly complain (louder than the construction) and claims that debris is falling on her. We ignored her while the theatre manager tried to calm her.

The movie began. It's got some wonky sound - louder here. softer there. occasional 10-second bursts of no sound at all. Oscar didn't care.

The theater rumbled with indignance as parents started to fear that Snotleigh and Bradlynn and Portland can't heeeeeaaaaaaar. Note: this grumbling obscures the sound much more than the actual sound issues do. Shaddap, I want to say to them. My kid can't hear over YOUR ass.

Finally, the (teenage, surly, frustrated) manager stepped up (the movie is still playing) and announced that if anyone wants their money back, to leave now and get a refund, but he won't give refunds after everyone watches the movie all the way through.

"I won't be coming back here!" threatened a dad from the dark depths of the back rows.

"Like I care," the manager muttered as he stomped up the aisle.

I am thinking, "you say that now, indignant dad, but wait till Saturday when they forecast rain all day, and your ass will be back to see Despicable Me faster than you can say 'sound problems'".

Most of us stayed. It was pretty good. Creepy-ass baby doll gave me the heebie jeebies, though. Sound cut out here and there but who cares? AIR CONDITIONED, BITCHES.

We stayed to watch the credits and so we were the last to leave. The manager handed us three free passes to see another movie.

"Sorry," he said, not looking us in the eye.

"It wasn't that bad, really," I said.

He looked relieved.

Moral of the story: Kids don't care if they lose sound for 10 seconds. Shut up, stupid helicoptering parent, and let mine enjoy the movie. Or leave.